I wanted to share about the most wonderful website. It's called "Life In A Blender." It's for parents, both biological and step-parents. It's absolutely a life saver. When I first married my husband and moved into his house, I was at odds end with my own life. I suddenly had three children instead of one, my house was not my own, and my child was to be shared. I made all of the typical mistakes. I tried too hard not to be the "evil step-mother." I over compensated for the perceived lack of attention to my own daughter. I tried to "blend" our family and exclude my step-children's other family. Then I found this place...where everyone understood; where they told it like it was. Where they let me vent and patted me on the back. It really helped me move through that period of transition in my life and now I give advice to others. I have a new family and a new group of friends. Here: http://www.lifeinablender.com/ on the message board.
Someone recently asked me for this post that I made after an epiphany. I've been asked for it other times too. I'll post it here so that I can refer people back here too.
Loss is loss and grief is grief. People think that there are different kinds of loss or different levels of loss.I've learned through training, and counseling that loss hurts. And the amount it hurts has no relevance to the amount of time it takes to be able to cope. Notice I didn't say, move on.She has lost her family foundation. Whether it was good or bad doesn't matter. Like the death of a loved one, that kind of pain never goes away. Some days are relatively easy for her to deal with and some days are harder.Liken it to a physical wound. A paper cut is small and takes forever to heal if it's in a peculiar place. It also hurts like the dickens! A surgery incision is usually much larger, requires stitches and leaves scars. Does it hurt more? That's subjective. You are the salt. Just your presence hurts. Doesn't matter if the wound is large or small. Doesn't matter if the wound was self-inflicted or not. Doesn't matter how long ago it was inflicted. Chances are if she's reacting negatively towards you, the wound hasn't healed. For some women it never heals. They just get used to the pain. (And we label this as "moving on.")My SW isn't scabbed over yet. Neither is yours. And my SW (step-wife) picks at her wounds too. So it may take her longer. I (as salt) try to stay away from her and only flavor my DHs (dear husband) and SKs (step-kids) life.You can't help being salt. She can't help being wounded. Just don't rub it in if you can help it.It's virtually impossible for someone who is wounded to see the wonderful flavor of salt. It's presence is always going to be a threat to their wounded heart.
Someone recently asked me for this post that I made after an epiphany. I've been asked for it other times too. I'll post it here so that I can refer people back here too.
Loss is loss and grief is grief. People think that there are different kinds of loss or different levels of loss.I've learned through training, and counseling that loss hurts. And the amount it hurts has no relevance to the amount of time it takes to be able to cope. Notice I didn't say, move on.She has lost her family foundation. Whether it was good or bad doesn't matter. Like the death of a loved one, that kind of pain never goes away. Some days are relatively easy for her to deal with and some days are harder.Liken it to a physical wound. A paper cut is small and takes forever to heal if it's in a peculiar place. It also hurts like the dickens! A surgery incision is usually much larger, requires stitches and leaves scars. Does it hurt more? That's subjective. You are the salt. Just your presence hurts. Doesn't matter if the wound is large or small. Doesn't matter if the wound was self-inflicted or not. Doesn't matter how long ago it was inflicted. Chances are if she's reacting negatively towards you, the wound hasn't healed. For some women it never heals. They just get used to the pain. (And we label this as "moving on.")My SW isn't scabbed over yet. Neither is yours. And my SW (step-wife) picks at her wounds too. So it may take her longer. I (as salt) try to stay away from her and only flavor my DHs (dear husband) and SKs (step-kids) life.You can't help being salt. She can't help being wounded. Just don't rub it in if you can help it.It's virtually impossible for someone who is wounded to see the wonderful flavor of salt. It's presence is always going to be a threat to their wounded heart.
5 comments:
That's one of my favorite blended essays. Thanks for sharing. We've all come a long with the Blender.
Hugs, Darc
Very cool girlfriend..
It's one of my favorites too :)
Love, lisa
The past two years are a jumble of ups and downs. Your epiphany was dead on. I wish I'd read it before, but am greatful that I've had the chance to read it now. You're right, my salty friend. Your presence did leave a painful sensation at first. Its funny how our tastes change. As we grow, we acquire a taste for things we didn't. I love spinich and mushrooms as an adult. But I guess too much of a good thing is not ideal. Once I got to know my EH's (ex-husband's) salty new dish, I found that I enjoyed salt also. I began adding his new salt to several aspects of my own personal life. Then I began salting things that shouldn't be salted and I guess I let it get too far. Lately I've been on a totally salt-free diet. My own doing I suppose. I have to say, life is definatly bland without it. I even miss it sometimes.
Aw Shucks.
Your essay has helped many more lives than you realize, I'm sure. I'm glad to know you and am proud of you - for the growth you've made, for the mistakes & successes you've shared. You're an inspiration to many.
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